Introduction: Are you making Margin to Meditate? (Pause)
Are you making Margin to Meditate? To contemplate. (Pause) To reflect (Pause)? Are you and I making margin to Meditate on ways we may unintentionally be sabotaging our relationships? (PAUSE, PAUSE). Am I making Margin to Meditate on how I am currently sabotaging my own marriage? (PAUSE) If you had a habit; be it withdrawal, overworking, neglect, selfishness, lack of empathy, lack of responsiveness, poor communication... Whatever it MIGHT BE, is there enough Margin in your life to meditate, and reflect, and realize what that thing might be?
PIVOT TRANSITION: If you are like most American couples, I would guess you don't. If you are like me, I often am going going going, and don't make margin to meditate on the deeper things, the deeper habits. We don't have the time to reflect, ponder, mediate, right? And since from my experience working with difficult marriages, I find that couples often come for help after years of NOT doing this, I'd like to give you two reasons why I think you and I should Make Margin to Meditate on our marraiges.
1. LESS PAIN
Almost everyone I know would like a less painful. More comfortable life. Most people I know would prefer less pain in their life. I know I would. And if you will Make Margin to Mediate on Your Marriage, it will result in less pain in your life. What do I mean?
:( STORY: I got a call last week from a student who was in my student ministry ten plus years ago. He is married now with small children. With deep sadness in his voice, he told me that his father and he have not talked since last fall. His dad called him on his birthday. His dad said, Happy birthday, and then, through some awkward moments, his dad told him he was leaving his mom, and was currently living with a new girlfriend. My friend protested, "What!? Dad is this a joke? What are you talking about?" And his dad began to explain how hard their marriage was, how long he had felt lonely, how many problems they had had for so long." My friend protested, "Dad I am not going to listen to these excuses. Why don't you go for counseling? Why didn't you go get help if it's been going on for this long... What would God say about this? You always taught me right from wrong, and you are having an affair?" "Son, I'm not sure I believe in God, or Jesus anymore... I guess I'm an agnostic now... And it's too late for counseling. The conversation continued and finally my friend said, "Dad, all you've done for the past half hour is blame mom, blame mom, you are not taking any responsibility for what you've done. What you are doing. It's like you don't even want to look at your part. I won't listen to this. Call me back when you get your head on straight. CLICK. 9 months of silence.
There is nothing more painful that divorce. There is nothing more painful than sitting down with your kids and telling them their whole life is about to be turned upside down. No one wants to make time for that conversation. No one wants to have that conversation. And yet, that conversation is often the culmination of years of not MAKING MARGIN TO MEDITATE ON WHAT I AM DOING TO SABATAGE MY OWN MARRAIGE. And I so "don't" want you to have that pain. And unless you begin to learn this skill, we are all on a trajectory toward a very painful place.
:( STORY: I looked out my window. Two moving trucks. One heading East. The Other Heading West. The family would be split down the middle this week. The husband and I were talking about what had led up to this moment. Years, Decades of Patterns. Decades of Habits. And he said to me, "I didn't make time to figure out what I was doing until it was too late. By the time I decided to make the margin to figure this out, there was too much pain built up. She had said it, and said it, and said it. But I just ignored it, brushed it off. Figured she was too sensitive. I wish I could go back and Dig into this stuff before it was too late. The next night, around midnight, There was one truck left. I wandered over to the garage, as his wife was finishing up final packing. She told a story, I've heard all too often. The pain. The pain of not digging into what was wrong sooner. Not figuring out how she was part of the problem sooner. And as tears rolled down her face, and I offered to pray for her... She was in so much pain. Her children were in so much pain. Her husband was in so much pain. And she too voiced the words that went somthing like, "I wish we'd Made Margin to Figure this out before it got to this point..."
You and I may not feel like we have the time, to make the time for Margin. We may not be good at figuring out, reflecting, meditating and contemplating on how we might be contributing to the issues in our marriage. But we also haven't practices this skill much, We haven't had it modelled very well for us. And yet, I promise you, if you will Make Margin To Mediate, it will save you, and your spouse, and your kids, and your grandkids enormous amount of pain. And it will be save you money
2. Less Costly
Most of us are busy making money. And money is good. Money is important. And money is the fuel for lots of great priorities. Family Vacations. Nice Homes. Future Retirement. And maybe one of your emotional reactions to Making Margin to Mediate is "I am too busy" making money. Working hard to get into "feelings," or "habits" or "intentions". And I can appreciate that initial response.
:) STORY: Every cost yourself more money by trying not slowing down. I was at an executive board retreat last week. Our staff went out to Murphin Ridge about 1 hr and 30 minutes away. My daughter had her school play that night. I had arranged to let Phil Charlton our COO run the meeting for that night's session so I could make it to my daughter's play. I left at 5:45 to get to Mariemont at 7:00. NOt much Margin. I calculated that if I averaged over 65 mph, I would make it. So I set the cruise control to 72. I couldnt' afford to slow down. Her part was at the beginning of the play. And 45 minutes into the trip, guess what. Lights, Sirens. "OH NO!" I'm gonna miss the play. The police officer came up to the window. I begged him to "make it quick" and I got a ticket for $120. Expensive Play. I ended up just getting in the door as she began. It costs me more by not slowing down, than had I gone the speed limit to begin with. the same is true with you. Whatever it costs to slow down is nothing compared to the Ticket for not doing it.
Object Lesson: Here is a picture of your car. Here is a picture of your house. Here is a picture of your second home. Here is a picture of your portfolio. And you worked hard. Long hours. Long seasons to build up these beautiful things for yourself and your family. You and your spouse have both had financial goals that you've been moving toward. And yes, there have been some sacrifices in your relationships. Yes, we are so busy with kids, and work, and recreational activities, that we don't date much. Or have time for it. But it's worth the cost..... What if I told you that 5 years from now. Five years from now. All of these photos will be torn in half. You will lose half your house. Half your car. Half your portfolio.... You'd be devastated. If you knew there was even a potentially strong possibility, you and I would say, "What do I need to do to eliminate the possibility to losing half of what I've worked for..." Right?!
I'm saying that today, you may need to stop making a little money, in order to save yourself, and your family from this (Pictures Torn in Half), You would say, "Oh, well instead of focusing on the little money and time that will be sacrificed now, I will realize how much I am saving later." If you will Make Margin for Meditating on Your Marriage. Investing in your marraige, figuring out how you may be contemplating to it's problems. Getting help to learn how to dig into this, it will be less painful AND less Costly.
All through the Bible, you see a call to this skill set... You see examples of people who are reflecting on this issue. You see people who Make Margin to Meditate.
Psalms 139: 1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off...23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.
This meditation. This journal entry. This prayer is a man asking God to "search him" He is asking God to "see if there is any wicked way in him". He says, "Search me," "Try me" "know My heart" and from that place of meditating on what habits, thoughts, intentions are wicked in my heart.... Once I can realize that, discover that, I want God to lead me in the way everlasting. When I think of meditation, I often picture some one "Ohmmming" in some pretzel-ilized yoga position. But the Bible says Meditation is this. Making the Margin to Slow Down. To Ask Your Heavenly Father if there is any wicked way in Me. If there is anything in ME that is contributing to the problems in my marriage.
WORLD VIEW Drill down: You may not believe in a Heavenly father who cares about you. Or who still gets involved in everyday living. You may think that there is not such a thing as "wickedness" in your heart. You may think you are basically a good person. And Christianity stands in stark contrast to all other major religions when it says, there is something broken deeply inside of me. That's the problem. It's not just that I do selfish things. (external), it's that those selfish things flow out of a selfish heart. A wicked, self-centered, self absorbed way of living my life. You may think people are basically good. Which is a nice idea. But from my experience, it's a nice fairy tale. I'd like people to be basically good, but I keep looking in the mirror and watching people interact. What I see is some good, and alot of impatience, self-centeredness, pride, and expectation.
And maybe Meditating on the possibility that you may be broken or have evil intentions, sound depression... Let me show you how it may save your life. I began by showing you WHY we need to make Margin, Less pain, and Less Costly, and Now I want to show you What you can meditate on
1) Meditate on Your Brokenness (Pride)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.
If you and I don't meditate on our own brokeness. If we don't contemplate and mediate to "see if there is any wicked way in me"... We end up thinking we are better than our spouse. We end up thinking our spouse "owe's us". That we don't deserve whatever issues, bad habits, and idiosyncrasies that they have.
ILLUSTRATION: I don't have to make margin to meditate on Beth's brokenness. No No. Seeing how my wife is sabotaging our marraige. seeing her list of "things I'd like her to do better" is easy. In fact, when most couples fight, out comes the list. The list of how the other person is broken. "if you'd just... " "If you would stop..." "you always... " "You never..." "your problem is..." In fact, if I sat down with most husbands and wives, and said, What's one of the biggest issues in your marriage... I bet you would think and maybe say, "If my spouse would just... work less. Make sexual intimacy more of a priority, communicate better, stop prioritizing the children....etc etc."
In other words, Making Margin to Meditate on Your Spouse's Brokenness comes naturally. What doesn't come naturally is Making Margin to Meditate on Your Own Brokenness. Slowly down to say, "God, help me figure out what's wrong with my motives." And here is what happens. When you and I think our spouse is "broken," "needs fixed" or has issues... we end up being filled with pride because we think they are the problem, not us. So we begin to think we are better than them. That we deserve them. We deserve certain treatment. Our spouse Owes us. And into our marraige comes Expectations! I expect you to do this... I expect you not to do that... And this stems from Pride. I think You are Broken and I am not.
SABRINA: In the movie Sabrina, Sabrina is a house cleaner/servant girl and Harrison Ford is a rich tycoon. And there is a tension. Is Harrison Ford too good for Sabrina? Does he deserve her? And there is a scene in the movie where Harrison Ford has lost her and he finds her father and says, "Where is Sabrina" and her Father says, "You don't deserve her..." And Harrison Ford replies. "No I don't, but I need her..."
What's going on there.
APPLICATION: Make Margin to Meditate on Your Own Brokenness
If you don't see your own brokeness. If you don't reflect on your own selfishness. You will not have the very things your marraige needs to breathe. Humility. Humility and reachability come from realizing that I am not better than you. Forgiveness. Forgiveness comes from realizing, I forgive you and you forgive me, because we both are broken and need it. If you think you are better than others, you will not be able to forgive them. because they don't "deserve" your forgiveness. "they are more broken that you are."
And this is why, highly successful people living in our community can be far worse at relationships than less financially successful people. Our homes, our pedigrees, our education, our titles, and our irrational and narcasistic beleif that we are basically "good people" keeps us from even looking at the reality that we are not. It keeps us from Making Margin to Mediate on our own brokenness. And ironically, it's the biggest obstacle between us and Christ.
WORLDVIEW: ever other religions will in some way support your narcissism and mine. Every other religion will say, You are a good person. And you can be better. And you will keep piling on reasons you are a good person. I keep the Torah if I am Jewish. I follow the 7 pillars of Enlightenment if I am Buddhist. I pray to Allah 7 times a day if I am a Muslim. And all of these keep you meditating on your own goodness. Only Christ, says Meditate on your heart's brokenness. It will release a wave of humility, grace, and forgiveness into your relationships. It's only when you see you need my mercy, you will get my mercy. Only by lowing yourself, can you be exalted. Only by seeing your need for forgiveness, will you be able to extend forgiveness. Only by realizing you don't deserve any treatment, do you get the greatest treatment. That is why the message of Jesus is not just “woe is me”, By humbling yourself, you are exalted rather than you would ever imagine.
2) Meditate on His Mercy
Psalm 139: 5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
Being a Christian. Being in a Christian Marriage is not just about making Margin to Meditate on your brokenness, but to also meditate on His Mercy. You see when Christ dies for you and I, he then not only forgives us, but exalts us, adopts us to become a child of God. As the writer says here, “It is high, I cannot obtain it” The goodness, the peace, the adoption, the right standing that God offers us is so high, your try to exalt yourself. Try-to-be-good enough method wouldn’t have worked. The knowledge that God has made you his own is “too wonderful for us.”
A lot of people might think you need to hate yourself… “hit me again I am still breathing Lord.” “Could I have another…” I am not worthy. That’s not what’s going on. If we won’t see our brokenness, we cannot be healed. HOWEVER, if we cannot see the multitude of His grace, His mercy, his offer… we also miss fail to miss this mercy. It takes PRIDE to say, My sins are too great, not enough mercy up there.
EXAMPLE: You see some of us need to meditate on the fact that our pride. Our self pity. Our victimhood, our matrydom is what is sabotaging our marriage. We think “what I’ve done is so bad… I could never be forgiven. I can’t make up for what I’ve done. I will never be lovable. Yes, my spouse says he loves me, but I can’t love myself.” This Eeyore Syndrome, This Martydom complex is destroying your marriage. And it sounds humble, but it’s not. “I have a bad self image. I feel bad about myself…” And the real issue is pride. You are saying, “I know better than God. God may say he can forgive me, but I can’t forgive myself. I know better than him.” God may say he wants to exalt me, and adopt me… but I find my identity in being the “look what happened to me”
STORY: 1700’s John Newton was a pastor, the guy who wrote Amazing Grace. He wrote a young pastor friend who was very depressed and melocholy. . He rebukes him and says,”You say you are overwhelmed with guilt and unworthiness.. You say it is hard to understand how a Holy god can accept such an awful lowly person as yourself. You accept a lowly position of yourself, which is perfectly right, but you also accept a lowly perspective on the redeemer, his love, mercy and forgiveness. You have too low an opinion of God. “ This is utterly wrong. Your complaints are so filled with self-righteousness, they are worse than the false humility you claim to have.
ADORATION: Here is where Jesus can change your marriage and mine. If you and I will Make Margin to Meditate on Our brokenness and our Exaltedness. If we will allow him to forgive us, and exalt us. We will be continually filled with humility. Continually able to see how we may we contributing if not causing the very problem in our marriage we complain of. Jesus says, Let me help. I am a master of taking broken things and putting them back together. But until you admit they are broken I can’t help you fix it. I will tenderly and graciously help you peel back the onions of your motives. And there is wickedness, selfishness, impatience in there. But I will peel it back tenderly and carefully, never crushing you with the weight of it. And revealing to you the way to start walking in the way everlasting. And if you will Make Margin for Meditating With me. Inviting me into your day. Your heart. Your self-examination. I will hold up the mirror, but not with accusation, condemnation, but with the careful skilled work of a craftsman allowing you to see how bad it is in there… And feel the balm of my mercy and forgiveness in such a way, that you can begin to see me heal your marriage, change the trajectory, and Strengthen your marriage.
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