051610 CHAD Margin for Sustainability

Interview with Jim Pustinger:

• What are the “secrets to running a marathon” or a iron man?

Background. I started running marathons back in …. And so far I have run ___ marathons, and ___ half marathons, I am currently training for one in ____/. As for secrets, there are several things I’ve learned over the years. The first is You’ve got to Run for something bigger than yourself. I did my first one for a kid with Lukemia (tell story)… At some point you hit the wall. And you’ve got to have something bigger than you to push through the pain…. Second, You’ve got Stay Fueled. The body doesn’t have enough calories to run a marathon… We can only absorb so much… Etc… So you must be fueled correctly to run a marathon. But anyone can do it, if you follow the guidelines.

• How have the process of training and running increased your relationship with God?

When I run, it is often a great time of prayer… Explain. I remember one marathon I was praying, I had this cramp, no way I could finish… Explain. But the whole experience is a spiritual connection for me. And running for something bigger than me includes both that connection to my faith in Jesus Christ as well as giving back and helping others (Lukemia) etc. And as for fueling, I have found that my spiritual growth is similar. Last few years I have grown in my relationship to Christ by… (Fueling habits… Bible Study with men, Ipod, etc)

• What’s the main difference between training for a Sprint and Training for a marathon?

You can’t run a marathon like a sprint. You can just go do it. You must run differently. Train differently. And Condition differently. All of us could go out right now and run a sprint, and I think all of us can run a marathon, with the right tools…. BUT, you must train, and run differently. Making the Time, or Margin to train so you can go the distance is critical.

SONG: WHEN I RUN.

Introduction: If you don’t train, you’ll be in pain.

(ME) STORY: I coach track for the 3^rd-4^th graders. And I like to find ways to inspire them to work hard. So we were working on this sprinting drill. (I have always been a sprinter, NOT a long distance runner. I ran the triple jump, long jump, 110 high hurdles) But if the students finished this drill, I would do “WHATEVER THEY WANTED!” The wanted me to run two laps… an 800 around the track. I have never run an 800…. And certainly not in the past 20 years. And I am a sprinter… So I took off… I ran hard and fast… I had agreed to run two laps in three minutes… I made the first lap in one and a half minutes… and then I hit the wall. I pushed myself the final lap… finished at 3 minutes and something… but I was coughing, and choking. I knocked stuff off the sides of my lungs that have never been seen before. I literally was wheezing for three days… I was embarrassed.. I was out of shape. Old… But mostly… I didn’t run the right way. I didn’t have a rhythem for my running. I tried to run an 800, the way I run a 100. I didn’t train for running this kind of race. And I was in pain.

(WE)

• We can all push it to the limit for a while...until we crash into our beds.
• We can all spread ourselves out for a while... Until our exhaustion sets us up for temptation.
• We can all help everyone else with their problems, hurts, hangups... for a while. But then we burn out, and can’t provide for our own needs, let alone others.
• We can all Emotionally help those who are grieving, hurting, and sad... for a while... until we realize our reservoir is empty.
• But eventually, if you are not refueling, slowly down, and reenergizing your own heart, mind, and emotions... You hit the wall... If you don’t train, you end up in pain.

:( I was in Belize this year after several months of real exhausting ministry and family responsibilities. I was running on fumes. A combination of Christmas, a family crisis, a new baby, sickness and allergy for my wife, and trying to stay above water. But I thought I was at least putting a good face on it. But I knew I was in trouble while painting a blue wall with Amy Rudge. She said somewhat timidly, "Can I ask you something?!" Sure, I replied. She delicately said, "Are you gonna make it?! I've watched you the past few weeks, and months. You look exhausted. You look like you are headed for a crash." And I was. I was on an unsustainable path. I was not going to make it if I didn't change my patterns. I told Amy that I typically operate with lots of Margin. It's a hallmark of my life, but the past year of adoption, baby, special needs, combined with buildings, staffing, messages, etc... I had squeezed the Margin out, and kept having my emotion and time, and energy squeezed....

(GOD) The Bible says something really intriguing:

Life is a Marathon, Not a Sprint.

So MAKE MARGIN FOR THE MARATHON

Though all of us could go out the door and sprint a short distance, without training we can’t go out and run a marathon. Why it requires you make margin in your life months earlier to train, to Refuel, and to learn how to run differently. And if life is more life a marathon than a sprint. It will require us to Make Margin (financially, emotionally, and physically) to go the distance. Here’s how Paul Says it.

1 Corinthians 9:²⁴ Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a waythat you may obtain it. ²⁵ And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. ²⁶Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air. ²⁷ But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.

We all Run Paul notes that when you think about life… About winning the race of life. There are some key ideas you need to understand.We must run “in a certain way…” to obtain everything God has for us.

Temperate And in order to compete and win… you need to be temperate… self-controlled, restrained in all areas. And preparing for a marathon will require disciplining your body…there will be moments that you want to eat Twinkies or go to McDonalds… You must say NO. there will be moments you could sprint the first mile… but you’ll never finish the last mile if you do so. There are moments you will need to go out and run training exercises when you want to watch TV. In order to get the most important thing, you have to say No, to some good things.

Discipline my body, Subjection Paul says if you want to win the prize, if you want to win the race, it will require focus. And part of focus is saying No to other things. Other urges. Other instints. Other choices. Discipling your body to run a marathon means disicpling it’s pain tolerance, it’s food intake, and saying “No” to TV or other priorities so you can train.

Crown: But, Paul is telling us that there is a reward. And unlike the ribbon, or in Greek times a Green wreath that the winner would have until it deteriorated. The face of faith offered something incredible. Something that never fade, never wears out, a imperishable crown. And Paul says he is fighting, training, not for something UNCERTAIN, but something certain.

WORLDVIEW: Paul is explaining something powerfully true about Jesus, that is not true about other religions. He says he is Making Margin for the Marathon because of the certainty of the prize. That’s backwards. Doesn’t he mean, he is training because there is “no certainty” of the winner. And unless you compete and train hard, you will not be “guaranteed” the certainity of winning. NO! It is saying, because he knows the prize is his confidently. That is what motivates his Margin. His sacrifice, His submission. Every other religion and philosophy is a Make Margin for the Marathon and “hopefully” you’ll do well when God measures you against the other runners. And hopefully you outrun some bad people, and are in the good people back. Paul says something different. When you receive and believe the message of Jesus Christ, you realize that he not only forgives you for your sins, but makes you a heir to his imperishable treasures. Not based on what you will do, but based on what he has done. Your crown is sure. Your entrance to Heaven can be Guaranteed. You didn’t earn it, or deserve it. But it was given to you in grace. And whatever you “give up” in this life. Whatever sacrifice you make in this life, will pale in comparison to the treasure you have.

So Paul is saying, Just as an athlete makes margin for the Marathon to win a wreath that whithers away, how much more, might we make Margin for this race, knowing we have a crown that never perishes. And if God asks you to go through some painful times, some tough times, to give large percentages of your money away, to sacrifice selfless to others who scorn you… Whatever sacrifice you make. Whatever you say NO to here in this life… Though it feels painful at the time, is Nothing compared to the prize Jesus will present to you. So, in this life MAKE MARGIN FOR THE MARATHON.

(YOU) HOW TO MAKE MARGIN FOR THE MARATHON

1. Rhythm to Your Running

Run in such a way that you may obtain it. ²⁵ And everyone who competes for the prize istemperate in all things

If you and I are to win the race of life. We must realize it’s a marathon not a sprint. And you run differently for a marathon vs a sprint. Right? There is “a way” to run a marathon. And a way to run a sprint. And in this life… If we realize it’s a marathon, we will need to say No, be temperate in all things… Even good things to make it and finish well. And if we don’t Make Margin for the Marathon, we’ll run in such a way to destroy ourselves in the long term.

STORY: (Chad draws on Sketboard.. neatly so people can read ;) I was reflected on that a few weeks later. Looking at how I emotionally and mentally I am constantly running. Brainstorming, idea making… go go go. I worked with a executive coach a few years ago, who told me, “The way you are wired, you are always thinking about everything all the time. That’s part of your make up. You will need to purposely and intentionally shut your mind down. You need to train yourself to have mental down down. Or you will drive yourself into the ground. I wrote down in my journal a picture of the RPM on an engine. You know the one. Where at 7000 rpm to 9000 rpm it gets red up there. And I realized that I operate in the red a lot. And as I tried to settle, slow down, get a rhythm to my resting… I realized that I often find myself in a "stuck spot"... My engine (Draw RPM gage) needs to have times of "revving" but then to settle back down. BUT! I find that the pace I travel, mentally, brainstorming, idea creating, etc, keeps me up in the High Red... then When I "slow down" I only slow down to the 6000 RMP, that is my "rest spot"... which means I am not resting... Even in down time, my mind is racing. I have trained my brain that my slowest speed is “just under the red…” Checking email, whether I need to or not, checking the news, righting down another idea, multi-tasking while watching TV is a new bad habit I developed this year… I have trained myself not to rest. I get stuck trying to “rev” down. Part of Me Making Margin for the Marathon is Making a Better Rhythm to my Running.

ILL: When I was in Sturgis, a motorcycle Mecca for Harley Davidsons in South Dakota a few years ago with my dad, we saw a BLOW OUT: This is where a harley is revved at full speed while lined up with a brick wall. So it can’t go anywhere. And thousands of people gather around as the throttle is put on full blast. The back wheels are spinning. The treads are burnings. Smoke is filling the arena. The smell is horrific. And as the tie burns through the treds, there is suddenly a ear shattering POW!!! And explosion as the tire cannot hold the pressure any longer. Full Speed. No Slowing Down. No Resting.

That is how I feel when I am in this stuck spot. When I am not making a Rhythm to my running. I can see the smoke. I can smell the burning. Can You. John Ortberg in his book, THE LIFE YOU ALWAYS WANTED gives us some symptoms that you and I may not be making Margin for the marathon. Some Symptoms that the tires treds are burning up

SELF TEST: Is there a bad rhythem to your running?

1. Constantly speeding up daily activites

We have no Rhythem to our running. We are haunted by the fear that there are just not enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done. We read faster, talk faster, and when listenind, nod faster to encourage the talked to accelerate. We find ourselves chafing whenever we have to wait. At a stoplight, if there are two lanes and each contains one car, we find ourselves guessing which one will move quicker and we swerve from lane to lane.

PILOT STORY: Elderly couple celebrating 50^th.

2. Sunset Fatigue

Hurried people cannot love. Lewis Grant suggests we are afflicted with sunset fatigue. When we come come home at the end of the day, those who need our love the most, those to whom we are most committed, end up getting the left overs. Sunset fatique is when we are just too tired, too drained, or too preoccupied, to love people to who we’ve made our deepest promises.

• You get sick everytime you slow down and take a vacation
• You find yourself rushing even when there’s no reason to
• There is an underlying tention that causes sharp words or sibling quarells
• You set up mock races (OK kids, lets see who can take a bath faster”) that are really about your need to get through it.
• You sense a loss of gratitude and wonder.
• You indulge in self-destruce escapes from fatigue, abusing alcohol, watching too much TV, or listening to Country Western Music J

2. Train Yourself to MAKE MARGIN FOR THE MARATHON

STORY: When I first came on staff 7 years ago, our senior pastor told me he was going to walk a marathon in New York in about 5 months. No discipline. No practice. I asked him how it was going.. he told me he was playing tennis twice a week… And then he bought a new pair of shoes the week of the run… He called me in pain.. He had hit the wall at mile Two… Blisters on top of blisters at mile 4. But he finished. But in agony from no Training.

²⁷ But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection

The simple fact is that if we do what comes naturally. And allow the world around us to shape our schedules, finances, and choices, We will burn ourselves out. We must Train ourselves to slow down. To run differently. To prepare for the marathon. We want to finish the race with our spouses. With our children. With our health. And without being a sad story to someone. But this will require that we train ourselves to live differently. We discipline our body. We don’t buy everything we could. And more. We don’t fill our schedules with everything and more.

(WE)

STORY: One researcher notes an experiment with mice a few years ago. A researcher found that it takes a high dose of amphetamines to kill a mouse living in solitude. But a group of mice will start hopping around and hyping each other up so much that a dosage twenty times smaller would be lethal. In fact, a mouse that has been given NO ampetamines at all, places in a group of mice on the drug, will get so hopped up that in 10 minutes or so it will be dead. In groups, they go off like popcorn or firecrackers.

Thus is the world we live in. A culture addicting to Sprinting. Seemingly Oblivious to the Marathon. And brainwashing us into it’s destructive marginless patterns. And we end up losing everything we hold dear. Make Margin for the Marathon.

STORY from Choosing to Cheat: On many occasions I have talked with men who confided that it was not their work that was the point of contention in their home. It was a hobby. for some, it was the time they spent at the gym, for others, their mistress was the golf course. For one close friend, it was his bicycle.

In his early 20's, Mike was an Olympic hopeful. He came very close to making the 1988 Olympic team. When I met Mike, he was 37 and continued to compete and to win. It was his passion. It was not uncommon for him to ride 100 miles in a weekend. But riding was not a family event. It was time reserved for Mike and his buddies. It was time that could have - and Mike later admitted should have - been given to his wife, Angela, and their 8 y.o. daughter.

Like most wives, Angela believed Mike lover her more than his bike, but she didn't FEEL it. She knew his heart, but felt his schedule. He offered to take her with him, and he entered fewer races, but as long as that bike hung in the garage, it was a point of contention. Even when Mike was home on Saturdays, she knew he'd rather be out riding.

I'll never forget the Sunday Mike showed up to me house with his mountain bike. "Here," he said, "I want you to have this." I assumed he wanted me to hold on to it for a while....."no," he said, "I'm giving it to you. No more biking."

I was shocked. To begin with, this was a $2,000 bike, but more than that, I knew Mike's love for biking.

"this is something God has wanted me to do for some time. I thought there was a way around it, but there wasn't," Mike said, "so, here it is. Have fun."

I asked how Angela responded. "Her heart melted," he said, "she cried when I told her. She told me I didn't need to get rid of it for good. But I insisted. I think she feels more loved by me now than ever before. Later, Angela said, "I never thought Mike would give it up. Nothing he has ever done has meant more to the kids and me. I know how much he loves to ride. For him to work away from his bike is...well...I feel like we are h is priority again."

STORY from Choosing to Cheat: Jimmy & Phyllis had an arrangement, not unlike most couples. When Phyllis' career as a conference speaker began to blossom, Jimmy felt like it was his responsibility to be her biggest supporter. As a website developer, he had the option of working out of his house and chose to do so in order to give Phyllis the flexibility she needed to travel and leverage her opportunities. Yeah Jimmy! What a guy!...probably should be nominated as husband of the year Phyllis thought and she was quick to give him the credit he deserved. While she was away, he held down a full time job and took care of their 2 kids. But, over time, something began to happen in their household. Nobody could see it, but everybody felt it, and they wrote it off to "that's what we agreed to."

"Mommy's not here tonight. She is helping other mommies and daddies know how to be better mommies and daddies for their children."

Phyllis was cheating at home, and Jimmy wasn't saying anything about it. Phyllis was taking what belonged at home and selling it to strangers at conferences, and Jimmy was cheering her on. And everybody - with the exception of the kids - was smiling on the outside but dying on the inside. Nobody wanted to admit it, but the arrangement wasn't working, and Jimmy didn't want to nag...after all, this was what he agreed to. It was easy for Phyllis to ignore the red flags that periodically waved right in front of her face. But, whenever she backed out the driveway feeling guilty, she would remind herself, "This is what we agreed to."

Life at home with the kids was not a continuous party. But after a while he became accustomed to her absences. In fact, her arrivals began to feel more like interruptions than homecomings. He once confided, "I got to the point where I would have been just as happy if she had simply mailed us a check and gone on to her next engagement." Sound extreme? It is. But don't make the mistake of taking comfort in the fact that your situation is not that extreme. For a long time, theirs wasn't either. In the beginning their situation was like yours...or possibly better. I say that not to scare you, but to wake you up to an insidious dynamic that slowly takes its toll on families who have arrangements like the Wilson's.

If we make Margin for the Marathon, we will not only thrive but survive. We can accomplish more than we ever imagine. Finish Strong and do it With those we love the most. Many of you have heard of Team Hoyt. A Father who Trained and used Iron Man’s to connect with his son, a parapelegic, because his son wanted to raise money to help others. This is a man who lives life like Paul talks about. He has made room in his life to impact others, to be with family, to train hard… But to run like life is a marathon, not a sprint.

052310 CHAD Margin for Marriage

Introduction: Are you making Margin to Meditate? (Pause)

Are you making Margin to Meditate? To contemplate. (Pause) To reflect (Pause)? Are you and I making margin to Meditate on ways we may unintentionally be sabotaging our relationships? (PAUSE, PAUSE). Am I making Margin to Meditate on how I am currently sabotaging my own marriage? (PAUSE) If you had a habit; be it withdrawal, overworking, neglect, selfishness, lack of empathy, lack of responsiveness, poor communication... Whatever it MIGHT BE, is there enough Margin in your life to meditate, and reflect, and realize what that thing might be?

PIVOT TRANSITION: If you are like most American couples, I would guess you don't. If you are like me, I often am going going going, and don't make margin to meditate on the deeper things, the deeper habits. We don't have the time to reflect, ponder, mediate, right? And since from my experience working with difficult marriages, I find that couples often come for help after years of NOT doing this, I'd like to give you two reasons why I think you and I should Make Margin to Meditate on our marraiges.

1. LESS PAIN

Almost everyone I know would like a less painful. More comfortable life. Most people I know would prefer less pain in their life. I know I would. And if you will Make Margin to Mediate on Your Marriage, it will result in less pain in your life. What do I mean?

:( STORY: I got a call last week from a student who was in my student ministry ten plus years ago. He is married now with small children. With deep sadness in his voice, he told me that his father and he have not talked since last fall. His dad called him on his birthday. His dad said, Happy birthday, and then, through some awkward moments, his dad told him he was leaving his mom, and was currently living with a new girlfriend. My friend protested, "What!? Dad is this a joke? What are you talking about?" And his dad began to explain how hard their marriage was, how long he had felt lonely, how many problems they had had for so long." My friend protested, "Dad I am not going to listen to these excuses. Why don't you go for counseling? Why didn't you go get help if it's been going on for this long... What would God say about this? You always taught me right from wrong, and you are having an affair?" "Son, I'm not sure I believe in God, or Jesus anymore... I guess I'm an agnostic now... And it's too late for counseling. The conversation continued and finally my friend said, "Dad, all you've done for the past half hour is blame mom, blame mom, you are not taking any responsibility for what you've done. What you are doing. It's like you don't even want to look at your part. I won't listen to this. Call me back when you get your head on straight. CLICK. 9 months of silence.

There is nothing more painful that divorce. There is nothing more painful than sitting down with your kids and telling them their whole life is about to be turned upside down. No one wants to make time for that conversation. No one wants to have that conversation. And yet, that conversation is often the culmination of years of not MAKING MARGIN TO MEDITATE ON WHAT I AM DOING TO SABATAGE MY OWN MARRAIGE. And I so "don't" want you to have that pain. And unless you begin to learn this skill, we are all on a trajectory toward a very painful place.

:( STORY: I looked out my window. Two moving trucks. One heading East. The Other Heading West. The family would be split down the middle this week. The husband and I were talking about what had led up to this moment. Years, Decades of Patterns. Decades of Habits. And he said to me, "I didn't make time to figure out what I was doing until it was too late. By the time I decided to make the margin to figure this out, there was too much pain built up. She had said it, and said it, and said it. But I just ignored it, brushed it off. Figured she was too sensitive. I wish I could go back and Dig into this stuff before it was too late. The next night, around midnight, There was one truck left. I wandered over to the garage, as his wife was finishing up final packing. She told a story, I've heard all too often. The pain. The pain of not digging into what was wrong sooner. Not figuring out how she was part of the problem sooner. And as tears rolled down her face, and I offered to pray for her... She was in so much pain. Her children were in so much pain. Her husband was in so much pain. And she too voiced the words that went somthing like, "I wish we'd Made Margin to Figure this out before it got to this point..."

You and I may not feel like we have the time, to make the time for Margin. We may not be good at figuring out, reflecting, meditating and contemplating on how we might be contributing to the issues in our marriage. But we also haven't practices this skill much, We haven't had it modelled very well for us. And yet, I promise you, if you will Make Margin To Mediate, it will save you, and your spouse, and your kids, and your grandkids enormous amount of pain. And it will be save you money

2. Less Costly

Most of us are busy making money. And money is good. Money is important. And money is the fuel for lots of great priorities. Family Vacations. Nice Homes. Future Retirement. And maybe one of your emotional reactions to Making Margin to Mediate is "I am too busy" making money. Working hard to get into "feelings," or "habits" or "intentions". And I can appreciate that initial response.

:) STORY: Every cost yourself more money by trying not slowing down. I was at an executive board retreat last week. Our staff went out to Murphin Ridge about 1 hr and 30 minutes away. My daughter had her school play that night. I had arranged to let Phil Charlton our COO run the meeting for that night's session so I could make it to my daughter's play. I left at 5:45 to get to Mariemont at 7:00. NOt much Margin. I calculated that if I averaged over 65 mph, I would make it. So I set the cruise control to 72. I couldnt' afford to slow down. Her part was at the beginning of the play. And 45 minutes into the trip, guess what. Lights, Sirens. "OH NO!" I'm gonna miss the play. The police officer came up to the window. I begged him to "make it quick" and I got a ticket for $120. Expensive Play. I ended up just getting in the door as she began. It costs me more by not slowing down, than had I gone the speed limit to begin with. the same is true with you. Whatever it costs to slow down is nothing compared to the Ticket for not doing it.

Object Lesson: Here is a picture of your car. Here is a picture of your house. Here is a picture of your second home. Here is a picture of your portfolio. And you worked hard. Long hours. Long seasons to build up these beautiful things for yourself and your family. You and your spouse have both had financial goals that you've been moving toward. And yes, there have been some sacrifices in your relationships. Yes, we are so busy with kids, and work, and recreational activities, that we don't date much. Or have time for it. But it's worth the cost..... What if I told you that 5 years from now. Five years from now. All of these photos will be torn in half. You will lose half your house. Half your car. Half your portfolio.... You'd be devastated. If you knew there was even a potentially strong possibility, you and I would say, "What do I need to do to eliminate the possibility to losing half of what I've worked for..." Right?!

I'm saying that today, you may need to stop making a little money, in order to save yourself, and your family from this (Pictures Torn in Half), You would say, "Oh, well instead of focusing on the little money and time that will be sacrificed now, I will realize how much I am saving later." If you will Make Margin for Meditating on Your Marriage. Investing in your marraige, figuring out how you may be contemplating to it's problems. Getting help to learn how to dig into this, it will be less painful AND less Costly.

All through the Bible, you see a call to this skill set... You see examples of people who are reflecting on this issue. You see people who Make Margin to Meditate.

Psalms 139: ¹ O LORD, You have searched me and known me. ² You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off...²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; ²⁴ And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

This meditation. This journal entry. This prayer is a man asking God to "search him" He is asking God to "see if there is any wicked way in him". He says, "Search me," "Try me" "know My heart" and from that place of meditating on what habits, thoughts, intentions are wicked in my heart.... Once I can realize that, discover that, I want God to lead me in the way everlasting. When I think of meditation, I often picture some one "Ohmmming" in some pretzel-ilized yoga position. But the Bible says Meditation is this. Making the Margin to Slow Down. To Ask Your Heavenly Father if there is any wicked way in Me. If there is anything in ME that is contributing to the problems in my marriage.

WORLD VIEW Drill down: You may not believe in a Heavenly father who cares about you. Or who still gets involved in everyday living. You may think that there is not such a thing as "wickedness" in your heart. You may think you are basically a good person. And Christianity stands in stark contrast to all other major religions when it says, there is something broken deeply inside of me. That's the problem. It's not just that I do selfish things. (external), it's that those selfish things flow out of a selfish heart. A wicked, self-centered, self absorbed way of living my life. You may think people are basically good. Which is a nice idea. But from my experience, it's a nice fairy tale. I'd like people to be basically good, but I keep looking in the mirror and watching people interact. What I see is some good, and alot of impatience, self-centeredness, pride, and expectation.

And maybe Meditating on the possibility that you may be broken or have evil intentions, sound depression... Let me show you how it may save your life. I began by showing you WHY we need to make Margin, Less pain, and Less Costly, and Now I want to show you What you can meditate on

1) Meditate on Your Brokenness (Pride)

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; ²⁴ And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

If you and I don't meditate on our own brokeness. If we don't contemplate and mediate to "see if there is any wicked way in me"... We end up thinking we are better than our spouse. We end up thinking our spouse "owe's us". That we don't deserve whatever issues, bad habits, and idiosyncrasies that they have.

ILLUSTRATION: I don't have to make margin to meditate on Beth's brokenness. No No. Seeing how my wife is sabotaging our marraige. seeing her list of "things I'd like her to do better" is easy. In fact, when most couples fight, out comes the list. The list of how the other person is broken. "if you'd just... " "If you would stop..." "you always... " "You never..." "your problem is..." In fact, if I sat down with most husbands and wives, and said, What's one of the biggest issues in your marriage... I bet you would think and maybe say, "If my spouse would just... work less. Make sexual intimacy more of a priority, communicate better, stop prioritizing the children....etc etc."

In other words, Making Margin to Meditate on Your Spouse's Brokenness comes naturally. What doesn't come naturally is Making Margin to Meditate on Your Own Brokenness. Slowly down to say, "God, help me figure out what's wrong with my motives." And here is what happens. When you and I think our spouse is "broken," "needs fixed" or has issues... we end up being filled with pride because we think they are the problem, not us. So we begin to think we are better than them. That we deserve them. We deserve certain treatment. Our spouse Owes us. And into our marraige comes Expectations! I expect you to do this... I expect you not to do that... And this stems from Pride. I think You are Broken and I am not.

SABRINA: In the movie Sabrina, Sabrina is a house cleaner/servant girl and Harrison Ford is a rich tycoon. And there is a tension. Is Harrison Ford too good for Sabrina? Does he deserve her? And there is a scene in the movie where Harrison Ford has lost her and he finds her father and says, "Where is Sabrina" and her Father says, "You don't deserve her..." And Harrison Ford replies. "No I don't, but I need her..."

What's going on there. Harrison ford realized he didn't deserve her. Now, He could have said, "What do you mean I don't deserve her?!! I am a rich, good looking, very professional, well to do bachelor. She's lucky to have me..." And if you were the Father, or if I was the father, and this man "Thought he deserved your daughter", what would you do? "Smack him in the mouth!' RIGHT!!? He thinks he is better than she is. Less broken that she is. Until he realizes he is not fit for her, he doesn’t deserve her

APPLICATION: Make Margin to Meditate on Your Own Brokenness

If you don't see your own brokeness. If you don't reflect on your own selfishness. You will not have the very things your marraige needs to breathe. Humility. Humility and reachability come from realizing that I am not better than you. Forgiveness. Forgiveness comes from realizing, I forgive you and you forgive me, because we both are broken and need it. If you think you are better than others, you will not be able to forgive them. because they don't "deserve" your forgiveness. "they are more broken that you are."

And this is why, highly successful people living in our community can be far worse at relationships than less financially successful people. Our homes, our pedigrees, our education, our titles, and our irrational and narcasistic beleif that we are basically "good people" keeps us from even looking at the reality that we are not. It keeps us from Making Margin to Mediate on our own brokenness. And ironically, it's the biggest obstacle between us and Christ.

WORLDVIEW: ever other religions will in some way support your narcissism and mine. Every other religion will say, You are a good person. And you can be better. And you will keep piling on reasons you are a good person. I keep the Torah if I am Jewish. I follow the 7 pillars of Enlightenment if I am Buddhist. I pray to Allah 7 times a day if I am a Muslim. And all of these keep you meditating on your own goodness. Only Christ, says Meditate on your heart's brokenness. It will release a wave of humility, grace, and forgiveness into your relationships. It's only when you see you need my mercy, you will get my mercy. Only by lowing yourself, can you be exalted. Only by seeing your need for forgiveness, will you be able to extend forgiveness. Only by realizing you don't deserve any treatment, do you get the greatest treatment. That is why the message of Jesus is not just “woe is me”, By humbling yourself, you are exalted rather than you would ever imagine.

2) Meditate on His Mercy

Psalm 139: ⁵ You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.

Being a Christian. Being in a Christian Marriage is not just about making Margin to Meditate on your brokenness, but to also meditate on His Mercy. You see when Christ dies for you and I, he then not only forgives us, but exalts us, adopts us to become a child of God. As the writer says here, “It is high, I cannot obtain it” The goodness, the peace, the adoption, the right standing that God offers us is so high, your try to exalt yourself. Try-to-be-good enough method wouldn’t have worked. The knowledge that God has made you his own is “too wonderful for us.”

A lot of people might think you need to hate yourself… “hit me again I am still breathing Lord.” “Could I have another…” I am not worthy. That’s not what’s going on. If we won’t see our brokenness, we cannot be healed. HOWEVER, if we cannot see the multitude of His grace, His mercy, his offer… we also miss fail to miss this mercy. It takes PRIDE to say, My sins are too great, not enough mercy up there.

EXAMPLE: You see some of us need to meditate on the fact that our pride. Our self pity. Our victimhood, our matrydom is what is sabotaging our marriage. We think “what I’ve done is so bad… I could never be forgiven. I can’t make up for what I’ve done. I will never be lovable. Yes, my spouse says he loves me, but I can’t love myself.” This Eeyore Syndrome, This Martydom complex is destroying your marriage. And it sounds humble, but it’s not. “I have a bad self image. I feel bad about myself…” And the real issue is pride. You are saying, “I know better than God. God may say he can forgive me, but I can’t forgive myself. I know better than him.” God may say he wants to exalt me, and adopt me… but I find my identity in being the “look what happened to me”

STORY: 1700’s John Newton was a pastor, the guy who wrote Amazing Grace. He wrote a young pastor friend who was very depressed and melocholy. . He rebukes him and says,”You say you are overwhelmed with guilt and unworthiness.. You say it is hard to understand how a Holy god can accept such an awful lowly person as yourself. You accept a lowly position of yourself, which is perfectly right, but you also accept a lowly perspective on the redeemer, his love, mercy and forgiveness. You have too low an opinion of God. “ This is utterly wrong. Your complaints are so filled with self-righteousness, they are worse than the false humility you claim to have.

ADORATION: Here is where Jesus can change your marriage and mine. If you and I will Make Margin to Meditate on Our brokenness and our Exaltedness. If we will allow him to forgive us, and exalt us. We will be continually filled with humility. Continually able to see how we may we contributing if not causing the very problem in our marriage we complain of. Jesus says, Let me help. I am a master of taking broken things and putting them back together. But until you admit they are broken I can’t help you fix it. I will tenderly and graciously help you peel back the onions of your motives. And there is wickedness, selfishness, impatience in there. But I will peel it back tenderly and carefully, never crushing you with the weight of it. And revealing to you the way to start walking in the way everlasting. And if you will Make Margin for Meditating With me. Inviting me into your day. Your heart. Your self-examination. I will hold up the mirror, but not with accusation, condemnation, but with the careful skilled work of a craftsman allowing you to see how bad it is in there… And feel the balm of my mercy and forgiveness in such a way, that you can begin to see me heal your marriage, change the trajectory, and Strengthen your marriage.

050910 MOTHERS DAY

5-9 MOTHERS DAY CHAD Deborah

Idea beth you tube... Ordinary Day http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olSyCLJU3O0

Mothers day dedication song... In my arms...Plumb

I Turn To You by Christina Aguilera I LIKE THIS ONE.

Mamma Mia by ABBA Mama I Love You by Spice Girls

Dear Mama by 2Pac (Tupac Shakur)

I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

The Best Day by Taylor Swift

Mama I'M Coming Home by Ozzy Osbourne

Good Morning Beautiful by Steve Holy

Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles

I Wanna Hold Your Hand by The Beatles

I'd Come For You by Nickelback

Forever by Chris Brown

Pumpkin Soup by Kate Nash

One Love by Bob Marley

1234 I Know You Want Me by Pitbull

Any Way You Want It by Journey

You Are My Sunshine by Jimmie Davis

Sunny Day by Akon

For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic by Paramore

If (My Mommy) by Saigon

Lady by Styx

My Girl by The Temptations

Where I Stood by Missy Higgins

Blueprint (Momma Loves Me) by Jay-Z

A Song For Mama by Boyz II Men

Best Day Ever from SpongeBob Square Pants

Day to Remember by Celine Dion

Burnin' Up by The Jonas Brothers

Best of Both Worlds by Hannah Montana

Seven Things by Miley Cyrus

In My Daughter's Eyes by Martina McBride

Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas

Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi

More Than a Feeling by Boston

Mother and Child Reunion by Paul Simon

I Turn To You by Christina Aguilera

I think what's always struck me is how relentless parenthood really is. Just how relentless it is to instruct, redirect, and realign a child. And mothers are so good at staying at the game, reminders, challenges, giving opportunities. And today, on mothers day, i am reminded of my mom's love, leadership, and constant realignment in my life. Deborah is a great reminder to all of us on the realities of motherhood, leadership, and being a woman and the challenges of leading children, a nation, or a family. The truth is.. We all get off track.

I. We all get off track

¹And the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD, when Ehud was dead.²And the LORD sold them into the hand of Jabin king of Canaan... ³And the children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he had nine hundred chariots of iron; and twenty years he mightily oppressed the children of Israel.

This sums up parenting. We tell our children not to do something. We warn them, we plead with them, we instruct them... and then when we aren't looking, they head into a ditch. The moment Ehud, the last judge died... Israel is back in a ditch... And then in trouble, the cry out to God for help. The feel the problems they are in...

STORY: Me... Rusty Trap.. Crying out for my mom

STORY: My grandmothers both died within two weeks. Grandma E was a real shock... no reason to see it coming... My mom was struck that my grandma Say it coming and had lots of "this is it conversations in a rather routine" surgery... And she died. That was it. ... And my mom months later told me how surprised she was that her instinct would be to pick up the phone to call her mom, share her news..... She said, "SOmeone once told me, you know you are grown up, when you can't call your mom anymore..."

TRANS: At least when they are in trouble, Israel calls out to God in trouble... And God raised up a Judge names Deborah... And many of the leadership lessons we see from her... And lessons in motherhood and parenting for us all.

SInce we all get off track. And the Bible affirms over and over that our children, our grandchildren have the same problem we do "We get off track," Every Christian leader can follow the three examples of Deborah: She gave Opportunities, Reminders, and Challenges.

Mothers Give Opportunities

⁴And Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time.⁵And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in mount Ephraim: and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment.

This tree had a name... The palm tree of Deborah because she was always there.... The children knew where to find her. How to find her... When to "come to her for judgment' As leaders, as parents, as moms', we need to be availble and create opportunities for speaking into our kids lives.

STORY: MOM http://www.mytributetomom.com/Bio.htm

What is it that your mom was known for? If not the "palm tree of Deborah", perhaps it was the "Kitchen table conversation of Ann" or the "Room Mother Game Planner"... "Back gammon of Eileen..." My grandma Eileen loved backgammon... and I would talk about my life as we played... She created opportunities in the midst of the game... My mom might be the "Sofa of Diane" many times after friends were gone... My mom would just sit and listen, ask how my night was... and create opp for me to share my life.. Sometimes I said little. many times I said more...

VIDEO: Horizon people's memory of Mother

This year... I got to see folks at Horizon honor mothers who have been that source.... Keith Lindner... taking care of mom who is taking care of dad... so she can go out... Dale Scaeffer eulogy for his mom... etc.

II. Reminders

For moms reminders are a way of life.. Remember to put on clean underwear. Remember your curfew, Remember to wear a coat. Remember who you are... Remember not to stay too late.... Remember...

Here is Deborah reminding Barak... of what God already said...

⁶And she sent and called Barak the son of Abinoam out of Kedeshnaphtali, and said unto him, Hath not the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying, Go and draw toward mount Tabor, and take with thee ten thousand men of the children of Naphtali and of the children of Zebulun? ⁷And I will draw unto thee to the river Kishon Sisera, the captain of Jabin's army, with his chariots and his multitude; and I will deliver him into thine hand.

Notice that Deborah was not giving "new information'... This is "didn't God already promise you something.." "Didn't GOd tell you to obey something...'

Few things are more draining as moms, dads, and leaders as constantly reminding those around us... "didn't I say this.." "Am I losing my mind" are phrases that go through our heads as we remind again and again.

^{DRILL DOWN: The word remember... is a weird word really. It is the opposite of dis-member... When we trust in lies... deny the promises of God... Turn to other sources of truth... We dismember our soul, our emotions, our hearts, our minds... And we must remember... Remember the truth about God, ourselves, and our lives. And the role of a mom, the role of a leader, the role of a coach, the role of a discipler is to provide OPPORTUNITIES and REMINDERS!}

^{APPLICATION: When you are frustrated, annoyed, ready to pull your hair out for giving a reminder for the 100th time... remember... You are helping "re-member your kids" toward wholeness and wellness... in a world, in a culture that constantly dismembers them. We can trust them, support them, help them, and cheer for them. when others don't and won't.}

^{STORY: MOM, Mr Smith... A & W.}

^{III. Mothers Give Challenges.}

⁸And Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go. ⁹And she said, I will surely go with thee: notwithstanding the journey that thou takest shall not be for thine honour; for the LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. And Deborah arose, and went with Barak to Kedesh...¹⁴And Deborah said unto Barak, Up; for this is the day in which the LORD hath delivered Sisera into thine hand: is not the LORD gone out before thee? So Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him.

As leaders and moms... We are constantly helping others with insecurities. Challenging our family members and employees who aren't ready, or feel inadequate about the future... And Barak feels insecure, scared... And says, I can't do it. I won't go unless you go with me... And Deborah challenges him... "You can do it..." God is with you.. But if you need I'll go with you.. And she did.

STORY: Last October, when I got the news about Quinn's eyesight, I was on the phone with my mom. She listened to me talk, cry, and be uncertain of God, his leading, his calling in my life... And she then spoke incredible words of challenge into my heart... She told me that "God was with me. That He would equip me with whatever I needed for this challenge. She told me..."

Deborah went with him. Helped him find his way. Helped him trust god. Challenged him to trust God.

STORY: I pulled out this folder. This is a folder my grandma Eilleen made for me when I was 16. She wrote me a poem to challenge me.. To bless me....

TRANSITION: Here's the problem. We all know we need to give opportunities for our kids. We know the constant wear and tear of reminding them, we know we need to challenge them, But How? Where is the motivation to keep on mothering when we know we can't be the perfect moms and grandmothers... Only as we see the perfect parenting of God. Deborah and Barak sing this song to God.

CONCLUSION: Find the Perfect Parent

² “When leaders lead in Israel, When the people willingly offer themselves, Bless the LORD!

³ “Hear, O kings! Give ear, O princes! I, even I, will sing to the LORD; I will sing praise to the LORD God of Israel. ⁴ “ LORD, when You went out from Seir, When You marched from the field of Edom, The earth trembled and the heavens poured, The clouds also poured water ⁵ The mountains gushed before the LORD,This Sinai, before the LORD God of Israel.⁶ “In the days of Shamgar, son of Anath, In the days of Jael, The highways were deserted, And the travelers walked along the byways. ⁷ Village life ceased, it ceased in Israel,Until I, Deborah, arose, Arose a mother in Israel. ⁸ They chose new gods; Then there was war in the gates; Not a shield or spear was seen among forty thousand in Israel.

⁹ My heart is with the rulers of Israel Who offered themselves willingly with the people. Bless the LORD!

Notice the chorus to her song is "We offer ourselves willingly to the Lord. This is the Lord we bless. But the main thrust of the song.. The verse says. Look at God's goodness. Look at his power. Look at how He provides water from clouds. Water from the rock. Look at how life was deserted when we followed other gods... But then I arose. A mother in Israel arose... And we "chose new gods" We found the true God. We found the God who is the source of all we need. The perfect mother. A God who is the perfect mother in Israel. He reminds. Loves, Cares. Nurtures. Provides for us in need... The way to be the best mother. Be the best leader. Is to fall in love with the perfect mother. the perfect Father. The perfect parent.

ADORATION: Jesus came to earth was not only a masculine father figure. He was tough enough to endure the lashing. Tough enough to deal with with hours of crucifixion. Smart enough to stand up against lawyers cross examination. But, we see an incredibly tender side to him as well... He sees children and goes to them. Let's them sit on his lap. He came to a little girl who had passed away.. He walks into her room... with the family in mourning.. and gentle takes her by the hand and says, "Time to wake up honey..." He sees his people in Jerusalem rejecting him.. and his heart breaks, he weeps, and says... I feel like a mother hen longing to gather my chicks..

APPLICATION: None of us had a perfect mom. None of us will be a perfect parents. But all of us can find the perfect model in Christ. He is the example. He is the source. He is the model. And he rescues us and forgives us for all the ways we, and our own parents have failed... and offers his grace to us...